| i miss you |
[Jun. 29th, 2007|07:51 pm] |
our last conversation left me feeling a bit sad.
i know you're my 'man-guy'....but i had no idea that you cared at all about me.
i will miss you friend, and hope that this isn't the end of our little adventure together. |
|
|
| when he's not around me for a minute |
[Jun. 22nd, 2007|09:51 am] |
i don't know if it's the true sign of being genuinely pathetic or what, but i didn't talk to him after yesterday morning when i left. got a couple of text messages, but considering the heat and considering that he had to put in a full day yesterday, i didn't really anticipate hearing from him after work.
-however-
be that as it may, i can't say that i 'miss' the man after one whole whoopty fucking doo day. but I MISS THE MAN!!!
it all ties in with the 'not being able to get enough' and 'i know him somehow'. it's not a superficial, 'gee i miss this guy'. it's so fucking odd i don't know how to explain it.
it's like a genuine quality to the time that i spend with him that is lacking when i'm around him. a depth and sincerity, a feeling that i only get from him. no, it's not be being dick whipped or being in love....FUCK....how to put words to this....
it's like i go back to something that i know when i'm with him. when i'm not with him, i can't find that feeling anywhere. something 'clicks' when i look at those dark eyes of his and it just skips and skips in the times that i've served my purpose and he doesn't need me.
it doesn't bother me to be 'on call'. we do what we do for each other. this is not my boyfriend. we serve each other. don't try to understand. you won't be able to. |
|
|
| as if you don't know what this is about..... |
[Jun. 21st, 2007|07:14 am] |
it seems like every night there is something new that sets me to thinking the following day.
he lets me submit to him. i think he prefers it, being the dominant personality and 'manly' man that he is. regardless of his preference, it is mine to be the submissive partner, and to be able to be that, and not have to direct everything is beautiful.
some women would be threatened by a man that tells them what to do, that shoves their head into the pillow....not me. oh no.....not at all. he didn't start out being overly aggressive...mmm...wrong word. DOMINANT. but now that the comfort level is building, i think he sees where it is that i'm most comfortable. and i can tell he's used to playing his role as well, so it's working out beautifully.
he likes me to be smaller than him. i don't know how to explain that,without getting totally fucking graphic. but when i curl my head up into his chest like that, he grabs the back of my head and just holds it there, and i can hear his heart beat faster and faster, and his fingers start to wrap around my hair until he's pulling it (fuck, i love that) and he stays that way. he likes that.
then other times, rarely, but they occur about once per visit, he curls up on me. he puts his head on my boobs and cuddles with me like a baby. i like that too. i rub his head and kiss his cheeks, and he swears that i have electricity coming out of my fingers. he talks about all this 'energy' that he feels coming out of me.
i kind of told him last night that all words aren't necessary, that i can't believe all that crap about me. in his way, mr. dominant man, he said, 'well, did i say it?', and i'm like, of course you did. and he just looks at me and tells me that if he said it i shouldn't have any questions. mmmm, not so much, but okay. i'll take it for now.
something draws me to him, and won't pull back. i can't get enough of this man. i need to figure out why the hell he is so damn familiar to me. why i already know him. |
|
|
| the mister |
[Jun. 20th, 2007|10:16 am] |
at night, when we sleep, when he's almost out, his fingers reach across until they find mine, and then he laces them loosely through until he falls asleep. his head, he'll arch his neck and slide his head over across the pillow until my head is tucked underneath his chin, or sometimes, he'll put his forehead against mine. and he falls asleep this way.
when i get there, when we're just relaxing, he'll lay across my lap so i will rub his back and his hair.
and yesterday....it was the first time, but when i got there, first i kissed and fed chula ( the dog) and then when he said he was getting jealous (he always says he's jealous of the dog), i told him not to be and gave him hugs and kisses right then and there. lots of affection between us, but it's usually in the bedroom. i think he was surprised that as soon as i came in i was loving toward him. i'm not sure what it meant on my end, other than i miss having a man around for that reason. i miss being physical.
there is something about this man that i can not get enough of. last night was the first time that i actually slept with him thru the night, and i dreamt about him as he lie there next to me. absurd. there's something in his energy, something familiar....something that i REMEMBER somehow which makes no sense since i have only known him a month. at times it seems as though i'm kidding myself, but i am not....i do not expect a partner out of this situation, i do not expect the man to fall in love with me (although i wouldn't mind that....)i know this is not forever, that this man will never BE with me in any other sense than what he is now.....i am not kidding myself about what will and will not be....but i can not get enough of the way i feel when i'm around him
he has colors, beautiful amber, gold and brown lights that come from all inside of him. his voice is familiar, his touch is familiar, every single thing about this man has been mine before....if only i knew when.... |
|
|
| The Other Woman...what i won't put on myspace. |
[Jun. 15th, 2007|07:51 am] |
sealed the deal with this one.
i always said that if i ever stepped outside my marriage, the marriage would be over. maybe not in exactly that order, but i have done and become what i said i would Never Do.
I am The Other Woman.
Somewhere back east, there is a woman that loves him. There is a woman, and she is beautiful, that thinks about him at night when he's lying there with me. There is a woman that listens to his bullshit, as i'm sure there is no possible way that she knows about Me and still puts up with his Shit. I think about this when he's quiet and i'm staring....and I Do Not Remember the last time ANYthing turned me on more....than thinking about being This.
I do not Care.
I keep Waiting to Care, but i do not. He is serving his purpose for me. He makes me feel good. I do not care that it is what it is and not what i would have hoped to have In My Life.
It is enough. It is better than the end all, be all, that i dedicated my entire life and heart and soul to, which turned out to be complete horseshit. At least as the Other Woman, I got all my horseshit handed to me right off the bat. Read: on this side of the Other Woman fence, at least I know truthfully what is Going On. I know he is with Me because he wants to be with Me Right Then. There is no guessing this situation. There are no Ties.
I cannot say that about my other situation and others that i have been in before.
Am i this much of a slut? LOL!!! YES!!! YES I AM!!! i am so happy to be getting fucked regularly, by a MAN. He grabs my hair and bites and throws me around when i want him to. He knows how to talk, and to use his hands and his body. He is a Man. Oh Yes. I will be this slut.
He Just called. I have to Go Now.
When he calls, I Go.
This is what it is like to be the Other Woman. |
|
|
| all done |
[Mar. 18th, 2007|08:54 pm] |
i don't know how to explain the shift that i've had, sufficing to say that it was completely necessary and came just in time. i thought for sure i was losing my mind, my heart was broken, and i felt totally alone, like i was losing all control.
so i just gave it up.
i dont want the control, i don't want the power, i don't want to have to make the decisions anymore. i've given it up to a 'higher power'.
i've started going to church again. religiously, no pun intended. i'm reading the bible. i'm praying, A LOT.
and i feel better.
and some people won't talk to me and are uncomfortable, and that's okay too. these are the same people that are okay with watching me kill myself with pills and substances and anger and guilt, and will be my 'friend' under those circumstances, but ggod forbid i do something, anything positive. what's the threat?? that's what i don't understand. it's not like i sit and proselytize to ANYONE, so to be that threatened by the words 'i'm going to church', my friend, that is YOUR problem, not mine.
i have five dollars to last me until thursday. i haven't had cigarettes all day, but i am saving that five bucks so i have gas for jonas and i to get to church tomorrow night. i've never done anything like that before in my life. yes, i am dying for a smoke, but not so much so that i'm not going to be able to get there tomorrow night.
oooh, such a holy roller.
bite me.
like i said, anyone iwth issues with what i'm doing are generally speaking the same people that are okay with me killing myself. and if that is the kind of friends that i have, i'm better off just brushing the dust off my shoes. |
|
|
| i guess it's all out there now |
[Feb. 2nd, 2007|12:35 am] |
i told him tonight that i can't go on like this, on the brink of abject poverty due to the shit economy, surrounded by people that think i'm a cunt and the worst thing that has ever happened to my 'perfect' husband, alone, broke and losing myself. i told him that we've been trying it 'his' way for the last four and a half years, and have not only not gotten where we want to go, but have stayed more or less stagnant. i've tried to be the 'good wife', 'stand by your man', every cliche there is for this situation, and it's not working. and that's an understatement. it's not good for any of the three of us any more, and that for my time and trouble, he owes it to me, and to our marriage to try it my way now. i told him if it sucks that bad to come back.
what i got told is that he 's unwilling to give up his beer drinking buddies and his misogynist, beer swilling, piece of shit father for us. he just won't do it. so i guess that tells me where i stand in his eyes, and all other bullshit aside, i guess that doesn't leave much of a grey area as to where i stand with him at all, now , does it?
i vowed richer or poorer, better or worse, and i meant it with all my heart. but i'm not gonna be the last thing on the list and lose myself in the process to soemone that holds drinking beer in someones garage and 'being there' for a formerly sick father who won't even quit the things that damn near almost killed him.
and i guess the bluntness of his adamant nature to even consider making a move that woudl benefit the whole family tells me everythign that i need to know.
and know what's really bad about THAT? that it doesn't even hurt as bad as it should to hear it. guess it's somethign that i've known in my heart for quite some time now.
now it's time to make plans, because now it's just me and jonas again.
and that's okay. |
|
|
| if it comes to thiss..... |
[Sep. 26th, 2006|03:40 am] |
i guess then this is what will be done until something gives.
i don't feel guilt, as i no longer have to lie to michael. if it works out, financial issues will be gone, and that's been the culprit to 99 percent of my disaster with mike.
i'll do what i have to do. i always have. and sometimes it's been a fucking a lot worse than THIS, so what the fuck ever. the biggest stress have come from lying to michael and shit.
too drunk to blog right now. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2006|06:30 pm] |
|
no one is gonna hear from me for a while. i'm a pathetic piece of shit whose life is becoming exactly what i swore it would never become. i'm stuck where i always knew i'd end up getting stuck, and i have no way out. i totally envy paulie right now because he got out. i don't want to talk to any of you for a while, i'm too ashamed to even look at myself in the mirror. please don't be mad. but trust me, you don't need someone like me in your life. |
|
|
| employment |
[May. 26th, 2006|11:36 pm] |
|
i finally fucking got a job. and not a BS job either. it's a fucking miracle. now let's see if this place keeps ppl past 89 days. |
|
|
| freaking out. |
[May. 25th, 2006|01:34 am] |
|
high anxiety right now. wish michael wasn't sleeping. two loaded guns, waiting for something bad to happen. literally. one on his side, one on mine, and the doberman in jonas ' room. is someone coming for me? i wish i knew. i didn't do anything wrong. i want to get the fuck out of here. right now. |
|
|
| guess i really am an ass |
[May. 20th, 2006|10:55 am] |
I am 82% Asshole/Bitch. I am one of those people that love to hear the sound of their voice. That and my lousy attitude make for a mixture as toxic next-day-mexican-dinner-ass-drip. |
|
|
| temptation |
[May. 15th, 2006|09:40 am] |
apparently, my doctor is more concerned with billing the script refill than the documentation from the people at rehab.
i called, just on a goof, to see if he'd refill both narc scripts. of course...he did.
so now they're sitting at the pharmacy, which is totally an hour away, and i'm 'planning' on selling both scrips. i can get probably 150$. not that i can't use the cash right now, eh? the question is....am i gonna be able to go pick them up and not EAT them??
i sure hope so. but to be honest, a couple of hours of zonk time would work wonders for me right about now. no shit. |
|
|
| about that time.... |
[May. 13th, 2006|07:39 am] |
so with everything else that's been going on lately, something else has come up that i've been deliberately ignoring. well, it got my ass out of bed this early on a saturday morning, so i need to get it off my chest.
i've gone thru a similar pattern with the two men in my life that have been significant, michael and glen. first, a glorious 'honeymoon phase', or whatever it's called when you first fall in love. both of them, hardcore. both of them, i knew in my guts right away where we were going.
then, when we were somewhat established, i went into 'teenage angst' mode, though i should have been LONG past that with both. i would pick fights, threaten to leave, tell him to leave, tell him to make me leave....jesus. it's deplorable. there's been hard times on both sides, and i'm sorry to say most of them have been instigated by yours truly.
thirdly, after all of the angst, after all of the fighting i do to push them away (because after all, everyone is gonna abandon me eventually ), i go back to the honeymoon phase.
i look at my man, and i get goose bumps. the kind of goose bumps previously reserved only for the random, beautiful men that i'd never get anywhere near, know what i mean? the sex gets better, i find myself being more patient, and much more grateful.
well, that's where it ended with glen. i had slipped fully into the 'third phase' with him, and things had gone from good to great.
and then the canyon took him. for his love, and mine, he got death,and i got hands coated in his blood and brains.
well, i've realized that after a year and a half of my trying to push my husband out of my life, i'm over that, and just loving him and being grateful he's mine.....and then i start to panic.
i don't want to sound like i'm hysterical, but i'm fucking 100% freaked out. i'm terrified something is going to happen to michael. i can usually tell him anything, but i don't even want to go there with him on this one. makes me sound like a lunatic.
i almost died when glen did. i'm still not 'okay' after losing him, and in september, it will have been five years. no, that wound is still fresh and bleeding. the only difference between now and four and a half years ago is that i am much better at 'compartmentalizing' (man, that spelling looks all fucked up.)
i can remember every detail of that day with clarity. NOTHING has dulled over time. But now, I have learned to not think about it. literally. i will literally go months and months, just specifically not thinking about the accident. i think about glen all the damn time, but i can somehow just not think about the blood.
yeah, all that repression is gonna manifest itself, and once again, it's projecting onto my husband.
not sure how i'm gonna deal with this new anxiety. previously, when i'd started to think these things, i would just eat a shitload of xanax, and melt the thoughts away. now i don't have that crutch, and i'm really scared to be afraid of the 'what if's' on the level that i'm feeling this one. |
|
|
| fucking bloated |
[May. 9th, 2006|04:52 pm] |
i'm so over being upset all the time about every fucking thing that happens. what happened to 'zen sarah'? where'd i go?? when did i become so bound and sensitive to what other people think about me and how i live my life?
bah...fuck a bunch of that shit.
i've kind of relinquished most of everything to michael for the time being. awkward as it sounds, he seems to be onto something with life in general, and realizing this, i think it's best that i just listen to him and what he thinks i need to do. god knows what i was trying to do was failing...miserably, and heeding his advice for the couple of weeks that i have has yielded excellent results thus far, both with him and with my own peace of mind.
when did he become 'zen michael'?
somewhere along the way, we changed shoes. i know going into this with him, i had felt that i had to do a lot of hand holding, a lot of training. now he's the 'grown up'. no complaints, ignorance is bliss and i'm glad not to have to bear all of the responsibility for a change.
i'm trying to let go of all the bullshit from his family from the past year and a half. i can't help what they think of me, and i can't change their perceptions, either, and for such a control freak, that's a bitter pill to swallow. bottom line is this: i truly know, as does mike, that i ate COPIOUS amounts of his mothers shit trying to appease her in regards to our wedding. nothing was good enough, and that's why she pulled the shit that she did. was it my fault? regardless of what guilt i may carry for what happened afterwards, the answer is unequivocably NO. we did our best, and when her attempts to sabotage our wedding three days ahead of time didn't work out, she threw a fit and didn't come to the wedding. that, and she called everyone on her side of the family and told them that the wedding was cancelled. was that MY fault? was i in the wrong to finally put my foot down and say NO, i will NOT change the times for my reception? i mean, should i have further indulged her and inconvenienced my friends that flew in from AZ, and ISRAEL?!?!?! jesus, it's a no brainer on paper, isn't it? i just hope to god that my husband doesn't start holding that against me, deserved or not.
more so than holding my life together, holding my brain together is posing the bigger challenge. we were THISCLOSE to making it out the door, on our way to arizona. then a brief delay, then mike's dad gets deathly ill. thank god for that brief delay, because had we made it to Tempe, and gotten the news about mike sr, we would have had to turn right back around. i'm sure that would have created the biggest can of worms ever, since once i get there, you're never gonna make my ass come back here, husband or not. i can't get MAD that we're still here, as our being here is only due to mike sr's health. and what am i gonna do? be pissed that the man is essentially DYING and fucking up my plans?? no, even i am not that big of a cunt. i'm being forced by circumstance to deal with this, to make the best out of it, because i truly do not have a choice. do i want to be here? motherfucking a NO. i don't want to say this, for how it sounds, but i'm stuck here till mike sr either dies, or makes a drastic recovery (the former being the more likely option of the two).
somehow, i always get stuck here a hell of a lot longer than i had planned.
michael said that he's all about going to tempe for a week for our anniversary/my birthday. my 30TH BIRTHDAY!!! fuck that. i'll never be a day older than 29, i promise. so i 'm happy that he's cool with spending our 2nd anniversary with a bunch of my friends. he met erich and suzanne at the wedding, and got along with them so well, i'm sure he'll mesh just fine with everyone else , too. now october seems terribly far away, and i want to wish speed thru the summer!!!! i need some REAL sunshine, kids, not this detroit sun bullshit.
starting this yoga and pilates thing tomorrow. i'm sick of feeling bloated and uncomfortable. sick of feeling so damn fat and ugly. i'm all about the starvin' marvin diet, and i went and stocked up on flavored waters in preparation. i'm sure this is gonna make me into a bitch in seconds flat, so at this point i'm sure michael is glad he's gone 14 hours per day.
i'm going to go do something productive now, though i haven't figured out quite what. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
sarahjonas's journal